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Essay-a-week

Lessons learnt from the Internet

As it stands right now, distances are measured in mouse clicks, firewalls are neither on fire nor a wall, and a billion people sign onto a service every day that they do not quite understand. You have done this too, dear reader. In fact, you’re doing it right now.

Here in this foreign world, you clickedy-clack to your hearts content, discovering all that needs discovering through an LED screen. Habbo Hotel, Runescape, and the likes entertain you for hours as they serve as undeniable proof of your self-worth. Other pages interest you too, whether they be trivial knowledge on Wikipedia or an esoteric URL for Pottermore fans. In a similar fashion, you found my page. Whether it is because of interest or because you were lost at one too many clicks doesn’t necessarily matter. It doesn’t even matter that you’re here. All that matters is how long you are here for.

So before you speed off from this page because you find that there are more words on it than there are pictures of cats, let me at least help you understand this wild beast you are attempting to journey through dubbed the Internet.

Realize that we are friends, friend. This means that we both share similar qualities and thus probably once wondered how a fox that is on fire can assist us when treading through our junk emails or why Nigerian Princes are so generous with their riches. Question no more, though. With my help, we can decipher this cyber-world. All it will take is ten simple tips, and you’ll be well on your way to turn code into an ode without the c but with all the majesty of understanding. Knowing how to traverse through the Internet will be like a lightning storm without the rain, drama without the inconvenience, luck without the f. In summary, it’ll be Youtube without the trolls.

Now, I won’t bother vacillating around my point any longer. Instead, I’ll cut right to the chase: the Internet is a dangerous place. That’s why it is called the World Wide Web. Somewhere there is a spider in it, and who knows, you might get bit.

So heed my advice, for this is just about the only good advice you’ll find in this virtual wonderland. To begin, just click here.

http://youtu.be/oHg5SJYRHA0

Lesson one: Rick Roll’d. Never, ever click here. You will find that on the Internet there are traps which contain traps which contain traps: a trap within a trap within a trap, if you will. Not only will you be wasting your time through cyber-space, but you’ll soon find out that articles are deliberately cooked up to attracted attention, and feign authenticity. In short, don’t believe anything with the words “Ron Jeremy”,  “ten inches”, or “teen girls”.

If one pays note to lesson one, two will easily follow: believe everything on the Internet. Granted, this seems paradoxical at first. In lesson one, I told you that there are traps which necessarily require belief in order to function, and now I am telling you to believe everything on the Internet, thus, falling into those very same traps I told you to avoid. Right?

Exactly.

Which leads me to lesson three: nothing on the Internet makes sense. This, of course, makes sense because it was stated on the Internet.

Lesson four: Y u no make sense Internetzzz? In other words, spell like a thug because everyone on the Internet is a thug. What? Don’t believe me? Wanna’ fight about it? Good. Didn’t think so. I was about to stomp on your ass, and stuff.

Lesson five: spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam. Note that even virtually spam tastes bad.

Phew. Let’s take a break. If you have been able to follow along, I’d like to congratulate you. Not many people do so well. Some give up here, confused with all the pedantic instruction. I apologize for being so didactic, dry even. Luckily, though, you aren’t like the others. Unlike most, you are a brave cyber-voyageur. As a congratulatory gift, here’s a free I-pad: http://youtu.be/oHg5SJYRHA0

If you clicked that, refer to lesson one. If you didn’t, you’re learning. Congrats. Here’s a token of my appreciation for being such a good student: http://youtu.be/oHg5SJYRHA0.

Smart. Let’s move on.

Now that you are practically an Intern on this Net – the InterN net that is – we should scurry onto the more perplexing instructions. Brace yourself. While being a litter of mostly lulcatz, nyan cats, and dancing, piano, hat-wearing cats, the Internet is no pussy. It’ll meow wayward until you purr.

Lesson six: if this lesson number was followed by a nine, you’d really purr.

Seven: the Internet is filled with creeps. Read this or my previous posts for proof. If that doesn’t convince you, then start imagining what a lemon-party would look like. Nice, eh? Then, let the Internet do the imagining for you.

Besides having that wonderful imagery noted in lesson seven, the Internet is ever evolving. With the dawn of an entirely new social construct, reality has now integrated itself into the Internet. People literally take their lives to the web, and others literally spend their lives watching them. Shaycarl, a Youtube celebrity, is a prime example. While this may not necessarily be a bad thing, it does have some vast implications, all of which are contained within lesson eight. That is to say: always add your Mom and Grandma on Facebook because real life associations don’t mean anything if you don’t make it Facebook official.

Lesson eight has immense consequences. In fact, the entire Internet does. We have begun breeding ourselves online, so to speak. We have been provided with a medium where our self-importance can be bolstered while we can belittle others. Some points are valid; most are rubbish. I am a perfect example of this. I sit here and write away, anticipating that some may read this – garbage as it is.

The question that follows is why do people like my self wallow in such a practise?

Personally, I do not write because I think I am better than others. I am not. Nor am I different. As my brother says, “that’s impossible, I have a twin.” Rather because I, like so many others, are attempting to figure out my worth in a random Universe on a random World Wide Web.  So I write – considerably ineptly it should be said. This is lesson nine. You’ll find many people doing many different things for many different reasons. Mine are entirely different than others and yet, there are no right and wrong reasons anymore than there are right or wrong clothes. Instead, there just is. In other words, there is the reason why pyramids were constructed with slave labour, why people spend hours writing pieces that may never be read, and wars are fought and lost over imaginary boundaries: legacy.

And in this cyber world, legacy extends only as far as Google search engines go. So, people attempt to Google themselves till they reach Googleplex, only to one day find out that they have lost themselves along the way in an eerie webbing of the past. They look at forgotten Myspace pictures or comments said on Friendster or past news paper articles, and wonder to themselves if this is how they want to be known, is this how their legacy has turned out. Then they remember that future civilizations will remember us – this epoch of so called modernity – for our porn collections rather than our art, our immense wars rather than our peace, our villains rather than our heroes. For to a villain, a hero is a villain anyways. It is relative, and as such, the future generations will see the evil present presently – pervasive as it is – as we see the evil in the past generations. We will be called primitive, inane, vile creatures no matter our World of Warcraft caches or the number of people following us on Twitter. This is because while attempting to create a legacy, we lose our dignity.

Accordingly, lesson ten follows. It is a message to all future generations, however advanced or however primitive they may be: please accept our apologies.

And so concludes the lessons.

With all that we learned today, I feel a summary is in order. Thumbs up this comment if you agree. Good. You’re an Internet wizard. So, this summary may be futile, but shucks, what isn’t these days. Thus these are the lessons learnt from the Internet: there are no lessons learnt from the Internet.

Hopefully, though, a highly trained team of monkeys can find some.

About kacperniburski

I am searching for something in between the letters. Follow my wordpress or my IG (@_kenkan)

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