sa(i)d

i no longer think

of you

which is to say

i do

and wanted to say

you

again

which is to say

i say it too much

like when i remember the sunlight weeping

across your hands on the first day we laid together

in a garden filled with flowers that never grew

like when i get nervous in crowds and look

for hands to hold

like when my own hands begin digging

into the rough soil made solid by others

only to find the seeds already rotten

which is to say

i was never good with planting a life

ancient ancestors would guffaw at my insincerity to millions

of years of developmental evolution

canines to bite tough meat

digestive systems to boil away filth

hearts so powerful that they can break

and love again

which is to say

i found someone else

made and remade

someone who changes so often

they never stay in the sludge of now

which is to say

all is all i have

made and remade

a present history i wanted to belong

to us

which is to say

i do not know what you are doing

though i suppose that was the problem

then too

which is to say

i haven’t found a solution

but i ride each day on laughter

of a joke you told

whose punchline was me

which is to say

i’m still punching myself over the stranglehold

of mediocrity that knows my name

but can’t spell it right

which is to say

i am breathing barely

which is to say

i meant bear

which is to say

it and i and you don’t make sense

which is to say

i will have a stable job one day

because what else is there to do

which is to say

i will get married one day

because what else is there to do

which is to say

i will have a house of kids one day

because what else is there to do

which is to say

there was something done

in this stretch of forgetting

which is to say

i did not say

enough

to remember and

think about

later on